Real Dates, Real Stories, Real People
Quote of the Day
Do not protect yourself by a fence, but rather by your friends.
~Czech Proverb

There is this guy, we will call him Jon. We are calling him Jon because WE Don’t KNOW His Actual Name!!! As a matter of fact, I have been on many dates with this so called Jon and I don’t know what he does for work or why he always pays cash… Hell, I don’t even know if he lives in the same state as me! What do I know… I know that once a month I get to play house with some guy we are calling Jon! UGH…

As I stare at his yellow teeth and white crust around his lips he tells me I need to keep going to the gym to get into better shape! This is date number 1… guess how many dates came after…

Really?

A few years ago I met this guy on a popular online dating site. We seemed to have so much in common, we had great conversations, and his pictures were HOT. We talked on the phone for a week before deciding to go out on our first date. I was soooooo excited. It was summertime and we decided to meet for dinner at the Boat Basin on the UWS. He was even better looking in person. YES! So we sat down to dinner and had a delicious meal and more great conversation. After dinner we decided to take a walk along the Hudson River, which then led to a walk all the way across town through Central Park, which then led to a walk along the East River. It was so romantic and so much fun. He lived on the UES so I walked him home at the end of the date and we kissed goodbye. As we said goodbye, an African American couple walked by, and I heard my date make a really disgusting, totally RACIST comment. I honestly could not believe what I was hearing. I had just kissed this person. We had an amazing time. I was appalled to say the least. Needless to say, I did not ask for a second date. Instead, I asked him for a piece of gum to get rid of the bad taste in my mouth. What an asshole.

I decided I needed to get away; I separated from my husband. I took a friend away with me to the Caribbean, a lovely little island that I continue to frequent. Though it seems I was ready to go away, I wasn’t receptive to meeting anyone, probably not a good combination. I’m also full of NYC sarcasm and ex-husband venom which doesn’t go over so well in other countries or anywhere really. My friend and I arrive in this beautiful country, settle in quickly and decide to go eat and drink. We arrive at the bar closest to the pool, which I have no intention of using. I just plan on looking attractive and drinking in the sunset. Of course, I quickly become friendly with the bar staff (locals) because I’m just friendly like that and my friend is distgusted because she has a superior attitude. In retrospect, how we were friends? We really had nothing in common except the school we went to. The bartender and I were laughing and shooting the breeze but I noticed out of the corner of my eye a man to my right watching my friend and I. He decides to speak to us or as I like to say, her. We basically ignored each other. My friend, Jane and the guy, Mike spoke but it was like oil and water. He was irritating her beyond words and it was just too funny. She decides he’s perfect for me. Excuse me? I’m not even interested in sex at this point in my life, nonetheless this mope, though he did have a very sexy accent. Mike started to talk to me so I engaged in conversation as any civilized human should. He was funny and a ball breaker, two amusing traits in a person I can deal with for the moment. He was annoying my friend and I kind of enjoyed it. Was that so bad? Mike proceeded to tell me/us he was from a long lineage of “pirates”, yes “pirates” four hundred year lineage. He explained his body art. I did tell him I saw him earlier and he was an ass because he wouldn’t move out of the way when we were trying to get to the beach. Turns out our little “pirate”was S. African via the UK and lived on the island so he knew everyone at the hotel. Great. He was funny and he was able to go toe to toe with me. Impressive. Later that night, we met at the bar again, my friend was livid. She wanted nothing to do with him one minute she liked him, the next she didn’t. I suppose if she didn’t get attention she got upset. It was getting funny. Anyway, he turned out to be a fisherman by trade, renting his boat for film shoots etc. We actually became friends and when I went back to the island a few months later we went on a date. We went to dinner then a casino that seemed illegal (he knew everyone) and then to a bar where we hung out with a bunch of his friends. Oddly, he was introducing me as his “girlfriend”. Uh, excuse me, ok, rewind. We didn’t have sex, nothing. The next day I met him at a beach near his house and we walked his dog. Then we hung out at his house and watched tv. He told me about his life. OK, I wasn’t interested to be honest. Then he said, “WE can move to Texas and have a ranch with horses.” Uh, excuse me, ok, rewind. WHAT? TEXAS? WE? What the fuck just happened? Where did all of this come from was all I could think. I let his crazy ramblings just slide. The next time I went to the island I brought a friend again, but decided I wasn’t going to contact Mike. Before I left one of our mutual friends from the hotel came up to me and said , “You heard what happened to Mike?” I said, “No.” He told me he was extradited to the UK and was in jail. He had been a fugitive on the island for a few years. My first reaction was- That bastard!! who is taking care of the dog!!???!!! Then I started to laugh because he was such an ass. A few months later around 3am I get a call from Jamaica and it’s Mike (I have no idea how he got my number since I had changed it). He said he heard two girls were at the hotel and asked about him and when they heard what happened they started to cry and was that me. I said, “Nope, I didn’t ask about you, they told me and I laughed. Bye”

It’s 9:30pm in Manhattan, I am just getting off a long day of work. We have decided to meet at the corner of 14th Street and 8th Avenue. I am checking my hair sense I do work in a salon and have been busy all day styling everyone. I take a look in the mirror and decide I look good and am feeling confident, ready to meet someone I have talked to once for less than a minute and have only seen 3 photos of. A profile that tells me nothing except that we are a 70% match. Here we go… I get to the meeting spot and see a guy who is skinner than his photo and has a chipped tooth. I make a mental note, this was not in the profile… I walk up to him and introduce myself as Joe because that is after all not my name but his name!… I think to myself,” this is going to be just great!” He is standing there staring into my eyes smiling. He has much more jewelry on then I expected and his hair is in need of a trim. I am being to paranoid, this is going to to be great, I keep telling myself. We decide to head downtown to a trendy coffee shop in the west village. As we are crossing the street, I run into an aquatiance. Now this is someone who if I saw in the market I would turn and run the other way. We stop and aquawardly say hello and make the kiss kiss face. The light turns green so my date and I make a run for the escape. No questions asked about that. We get to the coffee spot and find a seat, a green tea for him and a capachino for me. He picks up the bill and pays, I offer to share a piece of cake but he looks me up and down in judgement and declines because it is after all, after 7pm. I am now thinking, he must be a health nut! Will this work? I need a guy who will eat ice cream in the middle of the night just to be a rebel and go against the norm!!! We sit and sip our hot drinks in silence. I start asking him some fun no brainer questions, favorite movie, color, music, quotes, books… We find that we actually have a lot in common, The love of David Lynch movies and our shared love of reading. About an hour into our interview of dating we decide to laugh over another cup of hot drinks. At this point, I am having the time of my life. I don’t even notice the skinny guy with the chipped tooth , but a confident man who is sensitive and funny! 2 hours later we get kicked out for closing time and decide to take a midnight walk around the city. Smiles glance at each other over the moon light sky. Butterflies going through my stomach all this time wondering what he thinks of me. It seems to being going great, I am very confident that he will ask me out on another date. He offers to walk me 3 blocks out of his way to the subway. I can’t stop smiling and feeling wonderful about the date. We get to my stop and I am waiting for the question, nothing. I am waiting for a kiss, nothing. I am waiting for a wink, nothing. I get a hug… OK, I think to myself. He must be shy about what to do. I say goodnight and decide to grab a cab home, after all he did pay for coffee! A success, My first date was great and I am sure he will call! I decide to make the first move and call him the next afternoon. I leave a message saying that I know I should have waited a few days to call but I am not good at this dating thing and wanted to make sure I get a spot to see him over the weekend! Hours go by and I get a text… ” Hey thanks for the message..after thinking about it overnight i think i feel more of a friend energy..i hope u understand..i just want to be honest :-) ” The smiley face, Really? I can’t with the smiley face!!!

A warm evening with a beautiful sunset. I am sitting at the classy thai restaurant waiting for my date to arrive, he is 10 minutes late. I decide that if he does not show after 15 minutes I will be on my way, but sure to make a stop at the market to pick up a bag of cookies to comfort myself! Just another Tuesday night at home with the good old cookies… He walks in, Looks pretty good. I stand up and give him a hug like I have know him for years. We sit and begin to go through the menu. He starts telling me about his past acting jobs, this and that…who is who in the theater and blah, blah, blah… I don’t know about you, but who cares is all that is going through my head! I can’t seem to get a word in let alone a breath to ask what I should order. This is going to be long and painfull. I order the Pad Thai, it’s safe! He tells me all about a boat he performed on and a show he traveled with. A song he sang, a dance he did, a director he worked with… For all I know he found an old VHS recorder fucked some old guy in the back of a cab and thought he was making a movie, Actors! It was as if he was at an interview for an acting gig and was trying to get the job. Well, I was not hiring! He did have nice eyes though… So, I spent most of the time gazing into them. Now that I think about it, he was much cuter in his photo than in person, good thing he is also a photographer, oh and an artist, and a designer. Does it ever stop?!!! Finally, dinner is over and the bill is paid. I begin to make a run for the door when he grabs me and tells me he must show me something! I don’t have a moment to utter a word when I find myself in an elevator going to the roof of his building, I think to myself… “What am I doing?” We get to the top of his building and he starts showing me all the spots on the roof he has taken photos of. A photo of a wall really does nothing for me. So, I enjoy the view of the sunset on such a lovely night. It starts to get dark so I ask to go but first use the bathroom. his apartment is exactly what I expect, he has redone the entire space from the floor up, to adding walls. He offered to show me his murphy bed, I was done, I needed to get out! I made a run for the door and ran down the hall, luckily I didn’t have to wait for the elevator…

It was a blind date at The Oak Room at The Plaza Hotel. Red Flag. I’m all about hiphop, so let’s just say this isn’t going to work from the start, but I’m trying to be open minded. My idea of a sexy guy is Pac or 50, I could go on but I think you get the idea. I was set up by a friend of my parents. It was someone she thought would be right for me, whatever that means. That was the first problem. The second problem was my sister was dating her son. Keep in mind I’m young and a gray haired man (not George Clooney or Richard Gere which I could deal with I suppose) approaches me. So, he has gray hair, not good, he’s as white as chalk, not good again. Now what? I must devise a plan to end this asap.  I’m already feeling tortured. The plan will guarantee he will dislike me and ensure that that I will not get a glowing review. He starts talking about skiing; I tell him I hate skiing. There was a bowl of assorted nuts on the table so I started to eat the cashews only and began to carry on to both him and the waiter that I needed more cashews. The guy looked like he was going to die. My plan was working. Everything he spoke about I was disinterested in or continued to carry on about the cashews. I told him I only liked hiphop and that pretty much sealed the deal. I never heard from him and the date was never mentioned by parents friend. Mission accomplished.

I was in a relationship and I cheated with someone I was friends with though we never exactly finished….if you know what I mean. We were together for a couple of years. I eventually married and divorced the person I was in the relationship with (the one I was cheating on) and continued to see the friend on occasion. The friend and I lost touch over the years. Many years later he contacted me and we met for coffee. He was exactly the same; interesting but somewhat selfish. But there was something about him I always liked. We spoke everyday. I would visit him at his apartment and we would just shoot the breeze, talk about life etc. One day we decided to finish what we started. We had sex. Like I mentioned back a few sentences, selfish. I knew he was a bit selfish but oh boy….. I told him I assumed he was a selfish lover (that’s never a good sign and I’m forewarning him not to be….but I suppose we needed to just get it over with). Well, I was right, selfish and it wasn’t really worth it at all, but he still has that something. I don’t know what it is.

I was at a celebration dinner with an interesting set of people to put it mildly, celebrating an interesting moment. I met a very handsome man that was the brother of my friend (thank goodness for that). We went on several dates, but for some unknown reason I always paid for dinner and his father was one of the wealthiest men in the world. How funny is that? Go figure. One night after dinner we went back to his apartment, which had a beautiful view of the city overlooking St Patrick’s Cathedral, down Fifth Avenue. Very romantic- until…..He pulled out a guitar and began to serenade me. Oh no, please don’t do that was all I could think. Please stop, don’t sing. You’re making my ears bleed, do you see blood was what I wanted to ask. His sexy went from a 10 to a 2 in a millisecond. Regardless, of the horrifying serenade, we had sex, absolutely unmemorable. I saw him again in London and figured I’d give it another “go” and maybe it was just a bad day. Nope. Strike 2. Note to self, guitar serenade not a good sign unless it’s John Mayer.

We met at my office briefly, then ran into each other on the street while he was walking his pitbull. He said he was separated from his wife and we started to see each other- that night. Let’s just say I should have known better. I was young and he was very handsome, so I’d like to give myself a “stupid pass”. We went back to his apartment, he had a menagerie of pets; the aforementioned pitbull, a snake and something else that I sadly don’t recall. Again, it came up that he was separated. OK, if you say so. Why would he lie?…. Needless to say we slept together and if I recall correctly this went on for a few days. It was lots of fun. The last day I find out the soon to be “ex-wife” is the sister of someone that I know very well , grew up with, lived across the street from me and was friends with my brother. All very bad. Oh yes, they were NOT separated, she was just away for a few days, my few days. Great. Obviously, at this point it’s too late to turn back the sex clock, so….. That last day when we were at his apartment and he started getting undressed, his boxer shorts were somewhat troublesome as they were glow in the dark flames (total turn off). The clincher or should I say clinker as I believe he may have taken his “character” too far was the handcuffs. yeah….NO. I looked at him and said, “what the hell are those?!?” I guess he thought he was getting some mileage on those badboys. Needless to say, I got dressed and walked out. Seriously? You’re sexy but not that sexy.